09 October, 2016

elm branches outlined in snow

i tried newness. each time it was the old adage - wherever you go, there you are. some places were fine; some horrid, but newness by itself achieved nothing. just like coming home, despite the comfort level inherent in it, will achieve nothing without an active input of... oh god, i'm not quite sure of what, though it's some flavour of being a responsible grown-up who doesn't run away the second things turn wonky.

i drove home today from a delightful turkey dinner and caught snippets of my past in my rear view mirror. turning down one street conjured up flashes of my 20's. driving under an overpass brought back my teenage self, high school bound, high on the drug that is young adulthood. not whole memories but tiny shards with just enough context to bring back stories about my life.

that is the joy (and pain) of being home - so many tales on every street corner, under particular trees, around bends, and bridges. this place has stories of me written all over the map, and i am fine with that: right now i want to be somewhere that knows the stages of my being - who i was, who i am, all that happened in between. this place means i was, i am,  though no promises of i will be - one never knows.

it snowed all friday afternoon, all saturday, and a chunk of sunday. last year the october long weekend was sunshine and warmth - you never know around here. slush, snow, a windshield wiper that chose the most inopportune moment to self destruct, and a winter that came too soon (although winter comes when it comes. "too soon" is not a term that can be applied in this case, no matter what we think).

this one other small thing (again):

i've been angry for the last couple of days. impatient. petulant. livid. done. exhausted. because i feel the darkness coming and i am so profoundly sick and tired of it. i feel like i work on my mental health so goddamned hard and the chemicals in my brain are all, hey! you know what? FUCK you! fuck you and your effort!  mindfulness? pfffft! meditation? ptooie on your meditation! conscious breathing? i fart in your general direction! therapy? ha! expensive designer drugs? well, that was nice for a year or two, wasn't it? but now? FUCK those too! the joy of coming home? FUCK that! new job? MASSIVE SELF-ESTEEM CRISIS!!! FUCK YEAH! breathing? SO OVER IT! another 40-50 years of this? no, thanks. i am a morbidly obese person living on celery and water, running a marathon a day, and still gaining weight that (spoiler alert!) isn't muscle.

yeah, i realise i have moved cities (and provinces AND countries) in the last 6 years. i have dropped out of a lengthy career-type whatsit, gone to grad school, left my husband to live by myself twice, started two new jobs, etc. etc. all of which, statistically speaking, is pretty much designed to fuck up my equanimity, and i've done it not once, not twice, but, like, a whole bunch of times that still manages to stick to the single digits but just barely. so yeah, technically i know i have a right to feel this way, but i also know that i don't give a goddamned fuck about how unsurprising this is - i just want to feel human again. hissy fit? why, yes! yes, i am having a hissy fit! i am having a hissy fit because i'm so over being allergic to life.

and btw, dear poultries, don't feel the need to be helpful and stuff because this isn't an easy one (or any longer an interesting one, if it ever was that) to comment on. i have my tools; they have proven ineffective. i am searching for new tools, so really just wish me luck and move on. nothing to see here. someone will come by and clean up the mess soon, i'm sure.

05 October, 2016

ideological delousing

when i first told my cousin i had applied for a job in edmonton, his immediate reaction was to invite me to stay as long as i needed. when i got the job, he announced they'd hose down and delouse the guest bedroom in readiness for me. and indeed, when i arrived it was neater than i'd ever seen it. living here is noisier and far more chaotic than i'm used to, but it's pretty damn nice - pretty damn nice, too, to have dinner ready for when i get home!

yesterday, my second day at the office (an utter shit day: emotions welled up; i felt useless and annoying; i missed mr. monkey so badly it hurt; i wanted nothing more than to curl up and cry) i called my cousin after work to chat and he announced that the girls had lice. i itched in the capital region for the remainder of the walk, and, once home, we were all treated with lotions and potions, we washed hair, we dried hair, we combed hair. i was hoping to have been spared but alas, i found one vile creature and something that could possibly have been an egg. so. fucking. gross.

today the adventure continued: my cousin and his wife spent the whole day combing the kids' hair and nit-picking like a pack of tall blonde baboons after the girls were refused entry to school. i would have found it funny if i wasn't one of the afflicted. i'm sitting here now, tea tree oil, lavender oil, and some industrial strength concoction marinating on my head, killing the noxious creatures. wish me luck, wouldya?

30 September, 2016


sad homecoming turned into busy/fun/exciting/overwhelming homecoming, so, just as i suspected, it is fine. sadness will come. it always does, but being here feels so absolutely natural, like a puzzle piece just popped right in.

it smells like rotting leaves, the air is chill, there is a koselig feeling to it all, and mr. monkey's absence notwithstanding, things are good. i'm home.

29 September, 2016

today's theme: crying in airports

fairly self explanatory, methinks.

heading home is bittersweet.

28 September, 2016

the gelatinous sads

so i'm in the middle of an entirely unproductive morning, too busy feeling like shit to get shit done. crying, actually, because i suddenly feel like my silly little heart is gonna break, even though i know it won't, and i know we'll be fine, and i know we've done it before, but try explaining that to a crying heart. it just won't listen. and since whenever i feel like shit i come here, here i am. again.

let's talk this through, shall we? let's dig through all the gelatinous bitter tear goop and get at the hard kernel of truth beneath:

1. taking this job was the right and correct decision. i have no doubt of this.

2. moving back to edmonton is the right thing to do.

3. i have an unbelievable support network in edmonton - family and friends, and i don't mean "hey, you're ok!" friends but true heart's friends, amazing human beans that bring joy into my life and make me think better about myself.

4. looking for work in texas (like, seriously furiously looking, not just sending out a couple resumes as i did) was beyond me for reasons such as: i don't want to live in texas.

5. i don't want to live in texas. not for any length of time.

6. i don't want to live in the US. love visiting, don't wanna live here.

7. mr. monkey feels the same about 2. and 5., although maybe not as emphatically as i do, so me moving home is a good first step in getting both of us home.

8. i am excited about this job, like for realz, not just because it's a job.

9. i have a year+ blank in my resume, which means that i needed to get this job badly.

10. mr. monkey will be home in november for a week, and then i will be in texas for christmas. we will see each other. we can talk daily because technology.

11. staying in texas is not an option. if i stay in texas and fail to find a job, things between us will revert to tense and all the sweetness will be lost. i will hate myself, i will feel like i'm wasting my life, i will be angry and ugly and bitter. he will resent me, he will feel like he's working his ass off for the both of us, he will be tired and stressed and i will see it and hate myself even more. this has happened before and is not just a theoretical exercise. so, let me repeat: staying in texas is not an option.

having enumerated all the logical bits and pieces, it's clear that this is the correct decision and i am not making a mistake. what i am doing is feeling entirely reasonable feelings under the circumstances: this sucks. it sucks badly and hurts a lot but it doesn't change the facts, which are that i must put my big girl pants on (jesus! i haven't worn pants in months!!!) and feel my feels, and then get shit done and move on, and make things work.

27 September, 2016

pirate pairings

we were at tb's for both a hockey game and an unofficial goodbye. i admit i may have had one glass of cava too many by the time tb started telling us about the brunch he had in austin on sunday.

tb: it was a restaurant linked to one of the people from perla's*. it's called june's. june is a somali...

moi: (laughing) is she a pirate?!

tb: ?

moi: (guffawing) arrrrgh, matey!!!

tb: ...

moi: (bending over and chortling) does she have a wooden leg?!!!

mr. monkey: (miming) does she scratch her glass eye with her hook hand? hhhrrrt! hhhhrt!

tb: ...

moi: (starting to weep with hilarity) does she have a parrot on her shoulder? "polly want a cracker!"

tb:  ... as i was saying, june is a SOMMELIER...

moi: oh... that last bit must have seemed confusing for you then.

tb: i did eventually get what you were going for, having just seen captain phillips.

moi: oh, good...

tb: she does grog pairings.

*we'd all had a fabulous dinner at perla's on saturday.

26 September, 2016

coming right up

thursday afternoon i go home. this might be the very first time in my life i ever bought a one way ticket anywhere (well, except for the whole immigration thing but i didn't actually buy that ticket so it doesn't count)! i'm excited and happy and utterly miserable because it's hitting me now (again and again and again in little intense bursts of misery) that i'm leaving mr. monkey behind. it'll be fine, i'm sure, because i'll be busy and surrounded by my people, but i really do kinda like the guy. like, a lot. and we've been getting along really well lately which makes things worse. which sounds weird, i realise, but i kinda wish we'd be fighting and growly and mad at each other, and thoughtless and mean, so i'd be happy to leave. alas, we're disgustingly deeply enjoying each other right now. damn.

sanity salad visited for a lovely week. we meditated every day and walked and biked and kayaked and drank too much wine and lo, it was good. we spent this last weekend in austin and i can't recommend that city enough. it's everything that the woodlands is not - highly walkable, architecturally varied, filled with lots of independent businesses, many interesting looking people, great little restaurants, cooly renovated 50's architecture featuring a lot of breeze blocks, many dogs, great coffee shops, the most gorgeous landscaping i'd ever seen in a city (agaves! prickly pears! something that looks like a relative of lavender but smells like bitter orange mixed with sage! yukkas the size of giraffes! ivy! and more!) we saw less than we wanted but also managed to relax, which is important on vacation.

driving back (on a schedule since we had to deliver SS to the airport on time), we hit the classic texas rainstorm, which was not the best time to realise that our front tires are essentially bald. hydroplaning ensued but we survived. let's just say that it was very fortuitous that i sat in the back and missed most of the drama, because i don't have the best track record for staying calm in situations of near death and SS handled it beautifully, which is precisely what was needed at that moment. we got her to the airport with only a minor delay and all was good. directly after that, we went out to a japanese hot pot (shabu shabu) place where we met friends who wanted to say good bye to me over broth and slices of raw meat. then mr. monkey and i came home and continued to get along famously, which is really just getting annoying.

it's now half past ten and i'm still in bed, reading and writing, and doing my best to put off the inevitable - i.e. finishing packing. i don't mind packing, but i do mind having to get up... today. not normally - normally i am out of bed within minutes of waking. this is, i'm sure, some sort of psychological whatsit that i need to overcome and overcome it i will. as soon as i finish writing this. and reading this one other thing. and... well, ok, no, i will most definitely get up then. i'm getting hungry and it's getting close to lunch.

16 September, 2016

a weighty matter

two days ago i went to see my doctor about a thing growing out the side of my lower back. i didn't think it was cancerous but just in case it was a long-lost twin popping in for a lengthy visit i had her treat it with nitrogen. good bye, twin! as with my last visit, the first thing that happened was being asked to step on a scale. remembering how it went down last time*, i didn't look down. fuck that, i can hate myself for plenty of reasons that do not include a scientifically proven measurement of my weight.

at some point i mentioned having started swimming and walking again and the doctor said, ah! that's why you lost nearly 20 pounds. i nearly passed out, because generally, when i'm not paying attention, i tend to gain pounds, not lose them. then again, the temperatures over the last several months have hovered between jesus-h-fucking-christ-what-the-fuck-is-this and too-damn-hot-for-human-habitation, which means i ate a lot of salad. then the temperatures dropped to oh-for-god's-sake-you-have-to-be-fucking-kidding-me, with several hours before noon dropping as low as it's-fucking-hot, which means i restarted my walks. if nothing else, texas has taught me what it feels like to have sweat oozing out of your pores. i don't think i'd ever experienced that before, so thank you. at any rate, possible weight loss reasons.

mr. monkey, when informed of this development, started calling me skinny puppy again, which made me feel all good until i stopped to think a minute:

the weight that gave me hypertension was shocking.
the weight i accidentally lost moved me back to the place i was when i wanted to lose 20 pounds to be at a place i was when i wanted to lose 10 pounds. so when you look at it that way, it's a classic case of 3 pounds forward, 4 pounds back, to my detriment. still, i'll take the 20 if i can get (or lose) it.

then again, the following day, mr. monkey and i went to his company's health and wellness whatsit where we were measured, weighed, tested, and poked. the number on the scale yesterday? 10 lbs more than the previous day at the doctor's office. now, granted, i wore a weirdly heavy dress, but still... at any rate, any of my yeg readers waiting to see me again - don't expect anything other than what you last saw. minus the twin growing out of my back.

*got on scale, nurse called out a number, i hyperventilated, my blood pressure was checked and pronounced massively high**

**i have textbook perfect blood pressure. unless i've just been informed that i broke an unspoken weight barrier

12 September, 2016

recreational use of cheese

i have a culinary rant that needs ranting. it's small and insignificant as rants go, but there are some who will agree with me that enough is enough. i'm talking about the recently re-discovered and consequently ubiquitous mac'n'cheese. what's wrong with good old macaroni with cheese? NOTHING! nothing at all in its natural state wherein macaroni is smothered in vast quantities of cheesy sauce, and covered in a gorgeously browned gooey cap of molten cheese.

alas, this is not the way most places serve it. typically, you get a dish of macaroni in béchamel sauce with a more or less generous sprinkling of grated cheese on top. now many foods get served with a sprinkling of cheese on top without warranting the "n'cheese" in the title. if you only put cheese on top, you're basically using it as a garnish and garnishes don't deserve their own name. you don't order an omelette'n'parsley'n'tiny-slice-of-desiccated-orange, do you? why should this be any different? my point is this (as always, eventually, there is a point), macaroni in béchamel sauce sprinkled with some cheese is NOT mac'n'cheese; it is mac'n'béchamel... with a garnish.

proper macaroni and cheese requires that the béchamel sauce be knee-deep in cheese, insofar as béchamel sauce can be seen to possess knees, and that there be a generous, nay! a heaping! amount of molten cheese on top, as an added bonus not as a half-hearted nod to the dish's name. one shouldn't wonder what kind of cheese, or if any cheese at all, was used in the making of this dish. a proper mac'n'cheese should ooze. it should holler its cheesiness from the rooftops, making the vegan and the lactose-intolerant quake in their boots.

thank you.

10 September, 2016

eye roll, please

i just spent well over two hours searching online for a new smartphone (the one i have - and love - will not be able to come to canada with me). then i spent another hour looking for a case for the phone. now i'm spending even more time shopping for a salad spinner because i accidentally hurled the one i have - and love - onto the tile floor of the kitchen, cracking the bowl in several places. when i was in edmonton this spring and needed a temporary cell plan, it took me roughly 3 days (THREE DAYS!!!) to pick one. this is what happens when i shop online - i scour the reviews, the articles, the specs; i read and ponder and make mental notes. not so with big life decisions, oh, no: let's move to texas! let's get a job in edmonton and leave the husband behind! whoopeee! but heaven help me if i spend 8$ on a phone case and it's the wrong one!

salad spinner recommendations welcome in comments section.

08 September, 2016

neither here nor there


i know i've mentioned this before, but i do tend to make my big life decisions on the fly. case in point 1. walking back from heritage days (a.k.a. meat-on-a-stick festival) over a year ago, i turned to mr. monkey and nonchalantly said, hey! let's do it! let's move to texas! case in point 2. while visiting my parents in ontario mid july, i suddenly got the hankering to text my friend n: hey girl! i wanna come home! any jobs at your place?! will work for peanuts. she responded with the highly professional and mature: whoa-whoa!  for realz?!? let me talk to the boss. and thus it is that a mere 3 months later, in about 3 weeks, i will be leaving mr. monkey, taking up a career-type job, and moving home. granted, i'm not leaving him in the manner that word tends to suggest, but for all intents and purposes, i am quite literally leaving him. in typical mom fashion, i worry more about him than me - i'll be swamped with catching up, working, settling in, drinking with folk, checking out all the new buildings, and will have little time to wallow. then again, he needs far less social interaction than i do, and will likely enjoy this opportunity to rewire the garage, retile the shower, and work on his spoon collection in peace. it will be fine and the year will fly by and then he'll come home and we'll take a month of constant fighting to readjust to each other.


if i were designing a human-animal hybrid, or if i could go in for some specialized corporeal augmentation, this is what i'd order:

1. prehensile feet (what a wasted opportunity for usefulness our feet are in their current state.)

2. prehensile tail, or at least an elegant feline tail (none of that canine or equine flailing about)

3. night vision

4. gills

5. chromatophores


oddly enough,  once i got the job, i immediately started to enjoy texas. texas (and the states in general) go down easy in the short term but are unpalatable to me in the long term. visit? yes! live? no. live and learn, people, live and learn. i look forward to many wonderful visits to this beautiful country.


i am realising that my self-imposed american politics cleanse has done wonders for me. i care less, and not just cause i'm moving home to canada (after all, having a big, dumb, well-armed, ignorant, orange next door neighbour isn't exactly safe, and there is the possibility that post-november that is exactly what we'll have. i hope for hillary, but the media seems hellbent on ratings over rationality so who the fuck knows?) excessive exposure to insanity tends to spread said insanity. unlike my mental health, reality remains unaffected by my choices. well done, me, for backing away slowly and averting my gaze.

06 September, 2016


i got the offer of employment letter today. shit just got real: i'm going home. this means that i must look reality in the eye and start planning. my fear of jinxing the process has given way to a jumble of emotions, most of which are positive (i'm going home!!!!) but some of which are tainted by confusion and slight trepidation. not about the job. no, not yet (oh hell, that's coming for damn sure!), and not about missing mr. monkey (THAT will not be fun), but about the logistics. i now have a start date, which, with sanity salad's visit towards the middle of the month, gives me roughly 2.5 weeks to get my shit together.

i started with simple stuff - moving my fall and winter clothes from the walk-in closet into the spare bedroom. i toss them in a pile each time i go upstairs; the packing will come later. so far i'm taking my vitamix with me, plus we have more than enough spoons, ladles, and wooden cooking utensils to outfit an army, so i'll dip in and make mr. monkey share his bounty. i know i will have to borrow some furniture and kitchen stuff - there is no need for us to buy anything ever again, so i don't want to add to the pile of things that already haunts the murky edges of my consciousness. well, maybe one dresser. maybe.

it'll be an interesting time: once again, as when we moved down south, there really isn't a solid plan. but this time, rather than jumping into the black terror of the unknown, i'm aiming for the fluffy comfort of home: family, friends, the cold of winter, the street corners that i can navigate with my eyes closed! my bananologist! my massage therapist! and did i mention my friends?

kids' books are filled with stories of adventurous ducks and bears and dinosaurs who undertake a journey of self discovery. i'm not sorry we moved south. the move was just like a cute family of racoons setting off to see the big world. and just like those racoons, we found that there's no place like home. so i'm putting my things in a bundle, tying it to a stick, and heading north: homeward bound.

02 September, 2016


yesterday was our 15th wedding anniversary. we celebrated by eating a very quiet dinner, mr. monkey spending some time in the garage with a candle, and a swim in the pool. he's been under increasing amount of pressure at work and instead of being his usual twitchy goofy annoying self, he's become withdrawn and silent. it breaks my heart to see it and i fucking hate it. to make matters worse, he found out about the death of his family's dog yesterday, so the quiet candlelit vigil in the garage was to mark his passing. not a horrible day, perhaps, but nowhere near a stellar one.

after some very enthusiastic and friendly back and forth with the boss, i'd all but given up on hearing back about the job thing (having moved from relaxed whateverness, through angry WTFness, and right into nobody'severgoingtohiremeness), and was getting ready for a quiet and slightly sad long weekend in san antonio.

after our swim, we went to bed. i heard the strum of my phone notifying me of a text message. i figured it was just my cousin but on a what-the-hell chance i went back downstairs to retrieve it and there it was: The Text. The Offering Me A Job Text. shocked into silence, i slowly walked upstairs and handed the phone to mr. monkey. he took one look at it and seemed to deflate onto the pillows. oh, thank god, he said, i'm so relieved. i'm SO relieved. a big portion of his cares was that he was the sole breadwinner at a job that's taking more and more out of him emotionally. and while we have a buffer saved up, it's not the immigrant way to use that up. me getting a job (even if it's a job in another country. or perhaps BECAUSE it is a job in OUR country) was the relief he needed so badly.

best wedding anniversary gift ever. never mind copper and paper and gold, the most appropriate 15th year anniversary gift is clearly a job.

27 August, 2016


ladies and gentlemen, between the stresses of my current situation* and my natural monthly hormonal fluctuations, i am officially a hot mess. mr. monkey and i watched blue planet last night and i bawled (and i mean BAWLED) at a segment where a pod of orcas attacked and killed a baby grey whale. even the silken voice of sir david attenborough couldn't snap me out of it. then i had a meltdown of epic (read: 4-year-old) proportions because there's nowhere to walk to to get food in this god forsaken suburban wasteland and the only place that delivers is super shitty pizza and i NEEDED JUNK FOOD NOW. mr. monkey, being his usual calm and lovely self came downstairs and mcgyverred me up something vaguely pepperoni pizzaish and quite delicious (though still too wholesome to pass for the junk food i needed). this morning, i got teary eyed at a twitter feed and all the goddamn burkini-related news. then, when i went to quartz, thinking that sciency-type articles would be a safe bet, i watched a funny commercial that made me inexplicably dissolve into tears once again:

i am now giving up on social media (yeah, cause the real world ain't gonna make me cry at all. hah.) going to get some groceries and some pickling cukes, and if pickling don't cure what ails me, then i'm a lost cause.

so: don't talk to me today. i might just start to weep.

*waiting and hoping and stuff

26 August, 2016


two nights ago we were in bed, nearly asleep, when we heard a strange mechanical sound going up and down the local streets. keep in mind that unlike my last totally urban location this place is quiet: local traffic only, rarely at that, and almost never late at night. it's the 'burbs! so this dopplering strange sounding vehicle piqued my interest. when i heard it coming up our road, i jumped out of bed but only caught a glimpse of the back of a vehicle lit up by an inexplicable green light. i almost went back to bed but mr. monkey reasonably pointed out that this is a cul-de-sac and one of the physical laws that govern cul-de-sacs is "what comes in, must come out" and so i waited.

soon enough the strange mechanical-but-not-exactly-vehicular sound started to draw closer. it was a truck, a white half ton emblazoned with logos, and sporting on the back a large green light which illuminated some sort of industrial sized diffuser on the back of the cab that sprayed a fine mist into the surrounding area as it drove. probably mosquitoes, i thought, but i'd watched enough tv shows of late to at least entertain the idea that mind control might be on the table. perhaps this is precisely how suburbia works! how else do you account for people "choosing" to live in places that are dull, repetitive, offer no destinations, no distractions, nowhere to walk, no sense of actually being somewhere, and nothing beyond an aesthetically bland placidity?

if in the next wee while i start writing odes in praise of the suburban life or take up golf, you need to stage an intervention, but remember: government agents are watching.

24 August, 2016

sparkling diamonds and prancing unicorns

as much as i hate being at the mercy of my emotions - that sudden fist-in-the-solar-plexus burst of anxiety or inexplicable swoop of the sads for no ascertainable reason - sometimes, rarely, but often enough to make a difference, you get a gift. an equally sudden and equally inexplicable moment of grace and magic.

more than a decade later, i still remember walking to the first class i took when i returned to university - it was a spring/summer semester, the class was philosophy of science. i walked through the u of a campus in the late may afternoon and the fluff from cottonwood trees was slowly floating through the golden light and it. was. perfect. i can still see it in my mind's eye, and keep in mind this happened 15? 16 years ago? small mercies, tiny miracles,

i went for a walk this morning and in the midst of the sweaty march i suddenly found myself in exactly such a moment which rendered all things perfect. the perfect song started to play and i noticed that the grass all around was still covered in drops of dew from the morning's fog, sparkling like diamonds as far as the eye could see. the resinous scent of the sun-warmed pine needles, the clouds above the trees, the dappled sun through the leaves - all perfect. and through it all, i was filled with a deep and much needed sense of security, well-being, and hope for the future. everything was going to be all right. though one walks through beauty many times a day, it doesn't always make an impact; it doesn't always sing.

it never occurred to me until today that these perfect moments are the mirror image of the sudden sads, unexpected gifts from the out-of-control emotions, tiny highs to match the dismal lows. sure, the ratio is definitely not in their favour, but that just makes them more speshul (i imagined a bunch of 90's gifs of prancing rainbow unicorns and pink sparkly comic sans font when i wrote that last bit. forgive me.)

everything is going to be all right.

23 August, 2016


let it be said: i don't believe in beaming out positivity and the universe responding in kind. i don't believe that wishing or praying hard enough will accomplish anything. i most certainly don't believe that things happen for a reason. i don't believe (although i'm sorely tempted by) magical thinking. but there is a belief (or something akin to belief, it's more of the deep dark root of belief, something beyond visceral, something primordial and ugly) that causes me to fear speaking about things that are not yet locked up. despite my rational mind's pleas, i have a hard time saying, hey! i had a job interview! unless i already know i got the job. that deep dark thing believes (or makes me believe) that if i tell someone i think we found the house we want, it will somehow jinx it, make it go sideways. my mind knows this to be silly but the fear persists. it's all the worse for me knowing how irrational it is. if i fully embraced it, i'd be fine, but having these two forces duke it out inside me, the rational and the primordial, feels distinctly uncomfortable.

while i believe one ought to embrace one's own self, warts and all, there's a balancing act here: some warts i'd pay to have removed like that atavistic thing that makes me superstitious and fearful. i guess it's the fear that i resent the most, this feeling that if i say too much or say it to too many people, i, myself, will be responsible for the failure of the job or the house. so maybe, in a roundabout way, it's really about trying to assert control over situations that give me none (after all, i can't control if my house offer will be accepted or a job offered, i can only do my best) if that's the case, and i suspect it is, then it looks like excision of the thing is all about accepting that sometimes in life one is powerless.

19 August, 2016


because of all the decisions and thoughts and reflections and such of late, i found myself looking back at some point wondering if selling the edmonton condo and buying the texas place were good ideas or massive mistakes. my reaction to the possibility of them being mistakes was quite telling:  it's quite possible i made the comic shocked face:

because heaven forbid! i made a life mistake!

keep in mind this isn't because i feel i sail errorlessly through life; more that i choose not to dwell on less than stellar choices on account of time only going in one direction. mistakes? i haz maked them. but this for some reason felt kinda raw and terrifying. too close and yet too far gone. so i made a conscious decision not to think like that. i know for a fact i don't regret moving to texas (though in retrospect it seems like the dumbest fucking decision ever - moi. in texas. seriously?) because one can't know what works and what doesn't unless one tries new things. hell, my many many years as a temp surely have taught me that.

zhoen's latest post made me want to reevaluate things a little bit. rejig. reimagine. revisit. shuffle assumptions. hey! life is hard! it is! it can be! tell me you don't know this. and the thing to do is keep trying. keep looking at what matters and learning from your mistakes. oh hell, i know some of you are currently rolling your eyes and mouthing "birds go tweet" but do allow me this opportunity to say, hey, i'm still learning shit and the general hierarchy of what matters in my life is top of the pile.

monkey's choice

we stood at the entrance to security at the houston airport, watching SIL wheel away the sticky, loud, annoying, adorable, sweet, cute, crazy littles. we were subdued and quiet and misty eyed. mr. monkey cried silently in an emotionally-open but entirely manly way*. when he remained withdrawn on the drive back, i asked him what he was thinking about and he told me he was reflecting on the worth of us being here. like me, he didn't regret the decision to move to texas, but, like me, he decided that we would be going home as soon as it was possible. being close to family trumps a hell of a lot, including a coveted lifestyle that we have never coveted.

so it looks like we're both on the same page now, fully. we're working our way home.

*just kidding. he did cry but fucked if i care that crying is perceived as diminishing one's masculinity. but i guess you already knew/assumed that about me. 

16 August, 2016

lady's choice

driving mr. monkey home after lunch yesterday i simply opened my mouth and told him that i'd be looking for work in edmonton and that my plan of action was to return there. he looked at me a second and said ok. i listed the way i see things: the things to sell, the things to refinance, the things to buy, the things to take, the things to leave behind. again, he said ok. i expected something more - a fight, perhaps, or an undermining of my ideas by way of reason. nope. he seems perfectly willing to let me take the lead and take us home. perhaps spending a week with his beloved nephews has something to do with it. or his increasing lack of professional happiness. or both.

i think i've given up on the idea of trying to make it work here. texas feels like a marriage undertaken under false pretences after a whirlwind romance that manifested nothing of the underlying reality. and, having once realised that i ran away, using texas as a convenient rebound after my work-implosion, i must now go back and make things right. somehow. sure, the analogy breaks down at some point, or else i'm just confused but i do think you can sort of work out what i'm trying to say. after all, you're still here, aren't you?

lately i've been nibbling on the edges of missing home. nothing too drastic: no favourite neighbourhoods or festivals (though tears were close to the surface when all my well meaning friends started sending me photos of themselves on the hill at the folk fest last weekend), just suddenly missing a particular bike path in jasper, or a specific (and rather unattractive) bit of 97 street near the empty prison. i find myself wanting, for some strange reason, to see things that never really mattered that much before. these are safe things to miss - unlikely to cause me to fall headfirst into misery. just small flavours of home.

i was talking to sanity salad today about how weird it feels to make this decision, and that maybe i shouldn't have done it. but as soon as those words are out i realised: what the hell else am i supposed to do? who else gets to decide? life? sanity salad told me life is not a decision maker, unless, of course, you let it become one.

zhoen recently suggested that i ask myself these three questions:

1. what do you know?
2. what do you want?
3. who do you love?

1. well, i know that i am happiest in edmonton. 
2. i want to be in edmonton.
3. i love my friends and family who are... wait for it: in edmonton!

kinda makes it clear, don't it?

14 August, 2016

small humans too

i suppose it doesn't really speak too well of me that i get long-term (like hours!) snarky at a four-year old because he was whiny and tired and annoying but there it is: some times i love him lots; other times, i want to smack him up the side of the head really really REALLY hard and walk away permanently. kids. annoying, high maintenance, adorable, sweet, dimpled, loud, and SO FUCKING STICKY.

why are they sticky all the time? why? has science delved deep into this and figured this shit out, because maybe, just maybe, there's like a super amazing new glue, or nanotechnology or, hell, even a perpetuum mobile solution hiding in that ever-present stickiness? i betcha there's a cure for cancer linked to it. there must be; surely nature wouldn't have just made them sticky for no reason!

it rained last night and all morning. mr. monkey had the littles help him clean the pool and wash the car. on top of having the wee-est of them all running pieces of watermelon to our assorted mouths first evening here, i guess there are some uses for children. but i think i'd prefer to get my own watermelon. just saying.

11 August, 2016

small humans

mr. monkey is a most excellent uncle. i'm just the person who tells the kids not to eat/jump on/do shit. he can spend hours and hours with them, keeping them entertained and safe. i'm not like that at all. five minutes into playing "volleyball" with the 4 year old i'm bored stiff thinking to myself, kid, come back in 10 years when you can actually throw the ball in my general direction. or in 20 when we can discuss the intersectionality of race and gender.

i escaped upstairs to bed this evening, trying to combat the massive sads that hit me for no ascertainable reason. lying in bed, reading some articles, the entire family suddenly marches into our ensuite led by uncle monkey and his sister, the little boys naked as the day they were born ready to be rinsed in the walk-in shower. i am lying here, listening to the silliness and chatter: "make sure you wash your penis," random weeping, incomprehensible blather of the 2 year old.

the small one just got carried out wrapped in the towel and the older one is trying to convince his uncle to shower as well. not at all how i expected this evening to go, but entertaining nevertheless. i can feel the sads dissipating somewhat under the pressure of silliness.

and just now, lying in the bed, i got handed a small freshly laundered child who needed to watch masha and the bear with me, before being joined by a slightly larger freshly laundered child. 5 minutes of cuddles and giggles and they're gone and the sads have receded a little further still, though i can feel those bastards lurking.

the end.

hiding out

i'm still in bed. mr. monkey's gone to work and i can hear activity downstairs: smallest nephew periodically yelling incoherent words, loud crashing noises from the kitchen. i don't want to investigate. i woke up with a headache and a sadness. both will pass, i'm sure, but i'm giving myself the luxury of a few more minutes by myself.

i could easily give up this damn big house. i could easily give up our stuff... well, some of it anyway. but you'd have to pry my solitude from my cold dead hands. and if that isn't a most solid reason not to have kids i don't know what is. when you have children, unless you're a total asshole or extremely talented at time management and/or time travel, you are essentially giving up your solitude for a good number of years. couldn't do that. would go mad. kill people, that sort of thing.

so i'll take a few more minutes, ignore the crashing and yelling (it sounds benign), and enjoy my last few minutes of being alone.

10 August, 2016

sink or swim (hint: sink)

sister-in-law and nephews are here. it's been loud, joyous, fun, exhausting, infuriating, excellent, annoying, magical, and messy, and they've only just arrived last night. the highlight of the evening today was stepping in something soft and squishy in the pool. the red light made it clear - it was one of the slices of tomato i'd prepared for our barnyard burgers*. i'm not a fan of the red light - in fact, until last night's Fun Experiments With Buttons, the light was a lovely classy shade of clear. now, it has become an ever shifting niagara-falls-like rainbow hue. the red said tomato, definitely. unfortunately, after the red came clear and the clear said, no, dear, that is not a tomato slice; it is poop. it might have been, on the other side of its digestive journey, a slice of tomato. alas, it was a tomato slice no more.

mr. monkey, in his entirely admirable desire to free the youth from the constraints of diapers, removed the two-year-old nephew's swimmers' pull-ups and plopped him in the pool. an hour later, poop ensued. mom immediately donned swimming goggles, dove to retrieve said piece of excrement and disposed of it in short order. hurray for motherhood!

the pool is chlorinating like crazy right now. it's gonna be fine, i'm sure. nobody's gonna come down with ebola or whooping cough or rubella or whatnot. after all, it was just poop in the pool.

i've taken my own disinfection very very seriously and drank a large amount of wine.

*three or more kinds of meat to reduce dependency on beef.

07 August, 2016

not that kind of hole

c and i made a pact not to talk about american politics because it is not good for our mental health. we've been doing quite well for the most part. the rule was this - don't share/post anything that makes you angry and/or wanting to kick something. last night i texted c my little adventure with gun-loving dad. this was his response (or series of responses):

c: holy shit. that is fucked up. how fucking welcoming at a public place to have a dude with a gun.
kid will probably play with it and shoot his sister or something in a few years. why are americans so scared!

c: don't answer!

c: not going down that rabbi hole!

c: rabbit!

c: rabbi's don't have holes

c: well they do, but not the type I mean.

06 August, 2016

bad romance

goofing around in the pool, mr. monkey leans in for a kiss.

mr. m: mmmm.....garlic....it's the ultimate hermaphrodite...

moi: WHAT?!

mr. m: or something.

moi: you mean "aphrodisiac"?

mr. m: yeah. that's the one.

05 August, 2016

when in texas...

bear with me for a second because i'm sane canadian - we came out of the star trek movie and followed out a man carrying his sleeping son. walking up the stairs to the parkade, mr. monkey used his chin to point our that the man carrying the sleeping child was also carrying a gun. i just about fell down the stairs from shock. after the guy on the motorcycle (with a helmet!!!) at the red light, this is only the second person i saw here packing heat. ha ha. packing heat. open carry. so many little phrases. whoooeee! bang bang! but when you see it, it fucking hits you: this person has chosen to carry a firearm on his pants, a weapon that could easily destroy the lives of many at the drop of a missed antidepressant or a bad incident of road rage.

dear america, the rest of the world (outside of actual active war zones) looks at this as GODDAMN FUCKING INSANE. are you aware of this fact? perhaps you should be. you have made a religion out of an addendum to your constitution written during a time when muskets were all the rage. you are not normal. statistically, you are the outlier. YOU. ARE. NUTS. carrying a small sleeping child AND a fucking gun qualifies you, in the eyes of the entire world, as FUCKING NUTS. i just thought you should know that.

good night.

supporting the sweatshop economy, one impenetrably packaged item at a time

a parcel came for mr. monkey: a very light styrofoam box from china, wrapped in roughly 17.6 billion layers of tape. because mr. m was doing skilled electrical work, it was up to me to unwrap the parcel. it took a long time. far longer, in fact, than it took to swear a bunch and have this conversation:

moi: #%$*@.

mr. m: ...

moi: #@*&%*!!!

mr. m: ...

moi: is there anything else i can help you with?

mr. m: *waggles his eyebrows suggestively at the box*

moi: !!!

*much time passes*

moi: so what is it, exactly?

mr. m: a glass beaker.

moi: how much was shipping?

mr. m: free.

moi: how much was the beaker?

mr. m: five bucks.

moi: holy shit! that's cheap! how do the chinese do it?

mr. m: they pay their workers five bucks a week.

moi: and you support this?!

mr. m: well, they can buy themselves a really nice beaker.

04 August, 2016

fighting sexism, one squirrel at a time

sitting outside in the goddamn hellish evening texas heat. i watch a neighbourhood squirrel hop along the fence, then up the neighbour's palm tree. a while later we can see a disturbance up in one of our palm trees. small things are raining down, leaves are shaking.

mr. monkey: she's up there! what a bitch!

moi: maybe it's a he! what a dick!

mr. m: i can SEE her!

moi: or him! what an asshole!

small things continue to rain down... right into the damn pool.

moi: what is it DOING up there?

mr. m: you've seen squirrels throw nuts down from trees before.

moi: well, yes, but this is a palm tree. (helpfully turning to the squirrel) HEY RETARD! IT'S A FUCKING PALM TREE!

edit:: yes. i realised later - coconuts. but it's not that kind of palm tree.

02 August, 2016

so it's like this...

i've become wary of announcing life changes (other than, you know, irreversible ones like, hey! i lost my leg to a 'gator!) because a lot of that shit don't stick. when i first started meditating regularly, i suddenly lost the need/desire/hunger/thirst for large quantities of booze. well, that's gone... then again, i've only been meditating regularly again for the last couple of weeks, so that could change. still, i've been noticing a gradual paring away of stuff. might be related; might be unrelated. who knows? who cares? i don't. do you? of course, you don't! you don't even know what i'm talking about!

i stopped colouring my hair a while ago and, for the first time in my life, i actually really really like my hair. i love the grey. i love the wavy thing it's been doing. i just generally love it. i've also stopped doing anything with it (although i've never been much of a hair doer) - i let it air dry, and boom! shake what the good lord gave you (hair).

since we've been living in this suburban pit of despair lovely southern texas community, i've stopped wearing make-up. it's simply too fucking hot, and since i see nobody and talk to nobody and do nothing and don't go anywhere, why bother? and when i DO occasionally see somebody or talk to somebody or do something or go somewhere, well, then that bit of colour on my face makes me feel all kinds of special. the funny thing about (unofficially) giving up make-up is that at first you feel all weird about your face, like there's something missing, like you've just looked down at yourself in church and realised you forgot to put on pants. and then, as time goes by, you're all, hey! face! how goes it? nice to see you again! it might also help that 1. my sight is gone to shit and 2. i barely ever remember to look at myself in the mirror anymore. i could be walking around out there with a big chunk of dried up booger hanging off my left nostril and i wouldn't know. and you know what? i don't care.

i know that southern women are supposed to be all big hair and fancy clothes, but in my experience it's all lawnmower haircuts, denim capris (it's 40°C out there? WTF?!?!) and sensible blouses. the fake nails are there all right, but other accoutrements of southern style? not that i've seen. but whatevs. no, seriously: whatevs. having spent 2 weeks with my parents, and having been exposed to the massive tsunami of judgment that my lady parent unleashes on ALL TOPICS IN ALL THE WORLD AND EVERYONE AT ALL TIMES ALWAYS, it's nice to sort of say in my head, hey lady! that lawnmower haircut looks like ass, but you look like a happy human being so rock on. just rock on. anger. letting go of it.

hey! maybe it was make-up that was making me angry! maybe it was the red dye #3 and ground up beetles that were leaching into my bloodstream making me all grrrr all the time?! maybe it was the hair dye! damn hippie henna! no wonder the health food store workers are so morose and judgy all the time - it's the damn henna! oh, man, i'm so glad i figured this out!

so anyways, yes: grey hair, no make-up, trying to meditate. everything is oh so lovely.... or is it? ok. fine, it isn't. i'm having moments of extreme nostalgia. moments of what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-this-country (i've imposed a semi strict trump-free rule in my media consumption, but i do occasionally backslide). (many) moments of feeling overwhelmed by the stuff we have here. but overall, having now conquered the algae bloom that made our pool look like an award winning suburban front lawn, things are relatively level. i've made peace with my face, and that's something, innit?

27 July, 2016

on the same subject once again, this time with subtle differences undetectable without an electron miscroscope

came home to a cooler texas than i left it (yay!)
but i came home to a messier house than i left it (boo!)
came home to mr. monkey (yay!)
but i came home to a pool that is green and filled with algae (boo!)

i am singing the poor little rich girl blues
won't someone tell me what to doooo
i hate my big house
i hate my shit
i want nothing more to do with it
i am singing the poor little rich girl blues

i don't want this idiotic big house. i don't want all the idiotic things that are in it. i don't want to be here in this idiotic state in this bananas country. i don't know what to do, but in the meantime i'm looking for work at home. and trying to remember to meditate daily so that my head doesn't explode.

to end on a more positive note, here are some photos from my time in ontario:

20 July, 2016

it's done

ladies and poltergeists, the resume has been sent. i gave myself until noon (eastern time zone) to quit tweaking and picking and changing and moving commas and shifting spaces and send the damn thing. it went out at 11:49 and it is done.

what happens next is anyone's guess, but i guess that's what Real Life is all about, innit?

19 July, 2016

real life™

what i've found in these recent moments of panic is the sudden realisation that what i'm going through is actually Real Life. and how, then, can you not become clearly and unquestionably aware of the privilege of your position - when the very idea of Real Life only occasionally imposes on your peace of mind (medicated or not)? how then, can you not feel like a class one asshole who sits in the glorious position of someone for whom Real Life is nothing more than an unpleasant break in the monotony of an existence in which all things are pretty much taken care of and pleasantly irrelevant? this realisation, and all that follows, made me see that i've been acting very much like a child and it's time that i grow the hell up.

when i analysed the almost overwhelming fear and anxiety that accompanied the very possibility of my getting a planning job again, i came to the conclusion that despite some valid reasons for being frustrated with the planning world in general, and the planning world in north america in particular, my ultimate rejection of being a planner was nothing more than the angry and hurt response of someone who got kicked off a horse and never got back on again. the fact that i let my professional membership lapse (a fact that will now cost me an additional approx. 200CAD) is indication enough - i wanted to back out and burn the bridges; i wanted to lock the door behind me and have fewer ways of getting back in. and worst of all,  i lied to myself about it: built a whole ideology about why and who and what and how this was the only proper way of going forth into yet another new (and possibly painless) direction!

last couple of days when i found myself working through this insane anxiety, i forced myself to realise that it was nothing more than fear. the fear of the horse that bucked me off a year ago. the fear of the possibility of a new job within my chosen profession. the fear of failure - that, more than anything else, is what caused this anxiety. the fear that i, who did well in school (oh, that ever fleeting and wholly imaginary world!) would damn well fail in the real world as i (half) feel i failed before. the fear that i will disappoint my friends c and sanity salad, not to mention n whose unfounded faith in me (unfounded not because i don't deserve faith, but because our interactions have been almost exclusively social and not professional in nature) is causing her to speak up for me to her boss. it's oh so easy to be above it all, to be smart and capable in one's own estimation, but having a job in my chosen field is the ultimate test, innit? this is the real world!

of course there is the other massive elephant in this room - me getting a job in edmonton (oh, look at all this talk of a job that i haven't even applied for yet because i can't seem to be able to finish tweaking my fucking CV!!!!) means that mr. monkey remains in texas while i head north, and that is nowhere near an easy choice to make. but i have decided today (while picking herbs from a family friend's garden) that i cannot do anything else but apply. if i fail to get interest, that's fine. if i get an interview and then don't get hired, that's fine, too. but if i don't even try, then i'm a privilege-surfing asshole. yes, i'm afraid. but you know what? i was terrified of going back to school but i did it. and you know what else? all my friends, every last one of them, were scared when they started a new job. and mr. monkey isn't happy at work, so me saying, no, i can't do it because i am scared privileges my emotional wellbeing over his and i can't continue to do that.

so there you have it. i realise that the internet isn't the place to announce how you'll get fit or over booze or stop mistreating your pet walrus, but this is MY place to tell you that at the very least this privileged upper-middle class white girl will get off her arse and TRY.

wish me luck.

free therapy session? why, yes, i think i shall! thank you blogosphere!

recap of recent life bits and bobbles:

2 weeks in poland
1 week home getting over 2 weeks in poland (see above) and getting ready for 2 weeks in ontario (see below)
2 weeks in ontario, helping parents empty their house of their many, many, many, MANY possessions in preparation for eventual sale of said house and move back west to be where the family is

being here in ontario, a place that has never been my home (my parents flew the coop and left me behind in edmonton - this has only ever been a place of occasional visits), has for some reason unravelled my tightly controlled positivity about living in the US. perhaps it's being back in canada that does it. the fact that i breathe better here (metaphorically, not physically; the air in texas is just fine, y'all), the fact that this country (if not this province) is my home, all came together and made me get all manner of melancholy. i'm suddenly missing aspects of living in western canada that until now  i never found particularly special or of any particular importance.

and so, under the influence of said melancholy musings, i started a conversation with a friend on facebook. a friend who is a decade or so younger but roughly a century more experienced and a thousandfold more driven. the type of woman who is not only working 70 hours a week, but also sitting on 5 committees, volunteering for 14 organizations, and chairing 3 charitable women's groups. on top of which, her weekends make mine look like those of a hibernating sloth with a glandular deficiency. whenever i tagged along with her, i would make it home at an ungodly hour, having consumed vast quantities of liquor in multiple venues of varying chicness. and then, when all i wanted to do the following day is to gently moan on my chaise longue, she'd want to do it again.

this powerhouse has for some reason taken a shine to me. she thinks i'm aces. so when i casually asked her if the sexy company she now works for was hiring, she immediately jumped on it, immediately talked to her boss (even though it was sunday), and immediately told me to send my CV to him directly. my response to this was to immediately fall headfirst into an anxiety attack. thank gods my mother has a stash of benzodiazepines that i can access sans delay and judgment. my reaction to this... this nothing, really, since nothing has been promised and nothing has been done, is ridiculous, but alas, this is my response, ridiculous or not.

both my response (the ridiculous one, yes) and the situation have made me think and you, gentle reader, are as usual the happy recipient of my outpourings. let this set the stage for what i've come up with. for now, i shall leave you with this, and return forthwith to finish my lengthy CV, so i can stop hyperventilating and move to full fledged panic.

08 July, 2016


after spending well over an hour last night cleaning the pool, i topped up my plastic glass of wine and floated for a bit in the cicada-filled darkness of my suburban white privilege. i reflected on how facebook (or twitter) activism is the one way of feeling less powerless in the face of all the ugliness, but how useless it ultimately is because it merely hollers into the echo chamber of like-mindedness, changing nothing. then again, if not that, then what? what do i do? where do i march? the dallas shooting last night showed an ugly alternative to inaction  - apparently the angry white man in this case was angry at white people and especially white cops. hey, i get it, but his choice of response was... well, what can you say about discharging semi-automatic firearms into a gathering of people? (oh, i know! you can call it the fucking second amendment in action!)

this morning i listened to NPR in the car and the conversation, as always after these almost daily occurrences down here, turned to the age old question: "what do we do about this?" within seconds i found myself flailing madly at the radio, swearing, and utterly appalled - and the NPR is as "my people" as it gets in the US media! "what do we do about this?" SERIOUSLY?!?!

i found myself imagining a country in which people are encouraged to consume candy in vast quantities. it's a badge of honour to walk around with a lollipop or caramels or taffy; bags of candy are everywhere, readily available and much beloved. but, lo and behold, there is (and has been for some time) a massive epidemic of tooth decay! people wring their hands, offer prayers, hold vigils, blame those who don't floss, but never once for a second consider removing the candy from the equation because the status quo is a sacred thing. this, for a canadian, is what the situation looks like. i sit on the sidelines and wonder how it is possible that this is even a question any more.

what do we do about this? seriously, america? i dunno, perhaps if you demanded to buy your soul back from the NRA; perhaps if you took your head out of your ass long enough to notice the rest of the world; perhaps if you stopped venerating the founding fathers as if they were prescient political gods whose creation, the constitution, was a document of biblical immutability; perhaps if you examined the second amendment within its historical context; and maybe, just maybe, if you stopped hollering about your exceptionalism and how great you are and paid attention to the bigger picture, then maybe you could become the kick-ass place you have the potential to be.

until that happens, i'm so done with you. this fling is over. and if you don't cease and desist your violent ways, i may yet take out a restraining order against you. don't call me.


and then i see something like this and i literally weep because most of you are good people who don't want this shit at all, and i don't know who to be angry at anymore.

07 July, 2016


it seems that each day that we've been back from poland, another dainty news item has thrown me for a loop: with the recent killing of alton sterling, i felt a shift, a crack. i got (and remain) so fucking mad at america that i've started looking for work back home. and before you tell me canada isn't perfect - believe me, i know, but we don't shoot unarmed black people every fucking day of the goddamn week.

so i did what one does these days: i wrote a post on fb (only to be told in no uncertain terms by mr. monkey that i need to keep my politics to myself), i've tweeted, i've read, i've talked, internally howling all the while, and i wonder how this will end. it seems like there are cracks all over the world, a great big instability leaving us teetering on the very edge of an abyss: the glorious experiment of the EU might be breaking up; politics seem to be swinging back towards the unmitigated angry tribalism of yestermillenia; the institutionalised racism in the US comes out on almost daily blatant display such that i wonder why there hasn't been a race war yet.  then there are the floods; the fires; the constant screaming anger of so many people (myself included). surely this can't last!

our society feels like a great big intricate vase, useless and dusty but somehow still valuable, held together with wishful thinking and dried up old crazy glue, standing too close to the edge of the shelf and i, for one, want someone to nudge it over. i think that maybe we are due for something, though i don't quite know what it is, and i fear that when it hits, it'll be a hell of a crash.

i suppose many people have felt this over the ages. surely, this is nothing new, nor particularly original, as far as our history goes. what lends it such a feeling of immediacy is that now information is thrown at us faster than we can process it, gobs and gobs of ugliness striking us again and again until we think we will never be able to breathe normally.

16 June, 2016

there are things that need to be dealt with

1. we walked into the back yard this evening and what should we see on the top of the fence post but a giant disembowelled grasshopper. i'm going to have to have a talk with larry about leaving his unfinished dinner lying around. just plain rude and not the way we conduct ourselves in this household.  bad larry!

2. i had a glass of wine and then a glass of bourbon and found that caring about american politics becomes ever so much easier when i've had a drink or two  three. i realised that if i manage to stay tipsy until i die, i might be just fine! simple, non? no, no it's not. it's hard to maintain a nice buzz without falling head first into full fledged alcoholism. but i'm trying! watch me!

3. in related news i have vowed to henceforth tweet and share only art, baby animals, or heart-warming stories until the goddamn election is over. fuck you, negativity, fuck you and your ilk! i'm sick of you and i ain't gonna play no more. i responded to two trumpists and i am not doing that again. americans take their second amendment waaaay the hell too seriously and i am done caring.

4. the downside to owning a pool is that you are unwilling to pee in it. this is a pain in the butt: the whole getting out, drying off, schlepping to the washroom. i realise i just confessed to peeing in the occasional public pool. if you want to judge me, go ahead, but i don't believe that you have never peed in a public pool. in the interest of full disclosure, i will also now confess that i once pooped in the ocean. it was a long day on a wild beach - what else could i have done?

5. mr. monkey and i are off to poland on monday for 2 weeks. we will go to our friends' wedding and then spend some time in my neck of the woods saying a proper goodbye to my grandma (i.e. walking the paths she taught me as a child). if i manage to keep their similarly insane politics out of my head, we'll have a grand old time. as for you, world, it's time to swing back left. this right wing thing isn't working out so well for me.

6. and finally, i want you to know how much i appreciate having all y'all in my life. in a world that seems seriously in need of an intervention. y'all rock!

06 June, 2016

brain be like gone

at one point in my book club year we read still alice* and it scared the shit out of me because i became immediately convinced that i have early onset alzheimer's. when the book club met it turned out that all the women were terrified they had it so that cheered me up somewhat. but then these weird things happened:

  • before one of the white sands marathons i was talking to some fellow crazies marathoners and bragging about the number of marathons my dad had run (over 60) vis-a-vis his age. thing is, he had just had a big birthday, 60 or 65, and i knew this, but at this moment i suddenly lost (or gained, i can't remember) a year. and i couldn't figure it out no matter what. 
  • several times, in 2-5 second chunks, i got confused about whether it was fall or spring, each shoulder season being similarly brown and unappealing in edmonton, but there were several distinct moments of utter temporal disorientation.

then i turned 40 and started talking to other women who had recently turned 40 and it turned out that this is the new norm: being stupid is how this thing plays out apparently. remember that awesome vocabulary you used to have? no? exactly. so i sort of made my peace with the holes that showed up in my brain and learned to walk around them using various mnemonic devices and parlour tricks.

then sunday night mr. monkey, tb, and i were watching the stanley cup finals when suddenly i looked at the scoreboard and could not for the life of me figure out what the numbers meant. did the bigger number mean that team had scored more or had had more scored against them? and because i realised this was pretty much insane (one doesn't need to know the ins and outs of hockey to know that in any team sport 3:0 means a certain immutable thing) i decided to quietly figure it out in my brain, and explain it to myself in a way that i could understand: in tiny baby steps. and i finally did. but shit, people, it rather frightened me.

if that is the case, if i do lose my marbles, if i fail to make it home, or if i forget my name (i have no hope of retrieving my vocabulary at this point - that thing is gone!), would you please tell mr. monkey that it started around the time of my second marathon and that he has my blessing to move on to someone sane if i'm drooling quietly in a corner somewhere? thanks.

addendum: or i could just drink lots of champagne!!!

*and may i take this opportunity to say how much i hate book covers with photos of the movie that was based on the book?

05 June, 2016

settling in or just settling?

we had tb over for supper on friday, reinstating our friday night supper/alcohol/conversation tradition and hosting our first actual meal at The Canoe. it was fun, but it also made me look at this place with a critical eye - i don't think it feels like home yet, not quite. one thing: music! music seems to fill some of the hugeness of the house and makes it feel more cozy. a second thing i just did this morning: i brought a small antique dresser and mirror from the bedroom and installed it on the strange large blank wall whose odd window placement means it is resistant to art hanging (at least in my mind's eye). it will act as our bar, and it warms up that damn wall remarkably:

the third thing: i need to put up curtains and soon. i am absolutely allergic to blinds and find them as hard to clean as they are to look at. they make the place look sterile and hospital-like, neither of which is the look that i'm aiming for.

and yes, in case you're wondering, the floor does have a strange reddish tinge to it, but that's the floor i have so that's the floor i will try to love. i keep looking at this place and wondering how one can put one's own stamp on a decidedly bland suburban home, but then i realise that my mom did exactly that in every house that she's lived in, so i suppose it's not the end of the world. and hey, let me give you some more glimpses into my life so you can see what all the fuss is about:

and here, last but not least, is the yard that doesn't require mowing, only, you know seventeen types of pool chemicals thrown in at various intervals and into various portions thereof. however, and it's a big however (HOWEVER!!!!!!!), when it's hot, and it gets damn hot here, this thing is a blessing and i'm not gonna say another bad word against it. also, that's larry the lizard, lounging languidly (ain't he cute?):

i have just received my social insurance number, am about to go and get my texas driver's license, and have started applying for jobs. the shit, it just got real, ladies and gentlemen in the audience. 

most boring post ever. over and out. 

31 May, 2016

bamboo gone wild

yesterday afternoon 3 of the 5 amigos came over to our place and we lounged by the pool until the wee hours (well, some lounged; some went to bed at a reasonable hour - you can guess which path i took). we ate, we drank, we laughed, we swam, and we had a hella good time. i am now covered in mosquito bites and am once again a little hungover. still, it was the perfect ending to a much feared weekend. at one point 3 drunk engineers (2 electrical, 1 materials) finally managed to figure out how to turn on the jacuzzi lights and the garden lights. the best part? waking up and finding all the dishes washed and neatly stacked. nothing like thoughtful guests to wrap things up in a bow.

this morning, my gardener* began the arduous task of getting the bamboo under control, and he just arrived with a truckload of plants: several gingers, a large rosemary, an elephant's ear, a red yucca, and a gorgeous variegated agave. several plants will be moved (bamboos for greater privacy, a small palm for greater exposure) and several old ones removed. once done, i will do the necessary maintenance myself (until i get a job, at which point we'll see what happens). coming from canada, it's shocking to me how cheap labour is in texas. i'd never be able to afford the work i can farm out here and i really don't know if it's bad or good. sure, i may rejoice in a relatively cheap garden job but the big picture beckons and it often ain't pretty.

and there you have it.

*not to sound utterly douchy: he's not just my gardener. he's a gardener that i hired for the day. i needed to clarify that lest you start to imagine a whole throng of liveried servants catering to my every whim. shudder.

30 May, 2016


after my bellyaching post about the woes of socializing, zhoen shared this with me. my initial reaction was, "wait, i'm not an introvert! i'm a 50/50 intro/extrovert*." but the truth is that most of the cartoons hit home and it made me think about what the 50/50 actually represents. i guess i just figured, without analyzing it at any great length, that it meant i was one half the time, and the other half the time. it'd be easy to say that i'm an introvert based on my reaction to most social events, but then i think back to my year living in chicago where i didn't know anyone and how crazy i was to talk to people. i'd go into stores and talk to anyone who would listen. when i returned to edmonton and started working as a hygienist again, i was thrilled to see people daily. but then i think about how stressed out i was about this weekend, and every other large social or networking event, and i start to think that perhaps it's really more about control.

when i invite my people over, i choose whom i will see. even then, when there's more than a small group i tend to have a mini-meltdown (new year's eve parties, i'm looking at you!) when mr. monkey goes away for work i often choose to hunker down and see nobody. these things are my choice, as is the number and type of people i see. my best people (crusty juggler & d, sanity salad, bj, c, tb, etc.) are people of my heart. they are family in the best sense of the word and having them around is in no way an imposition. they are people whom i will want to see even if i'm in my deepest anti-social funk. they simply don't count as...people, but more of a corporeal manifestation of myself. or something like that but not totally creepy.

so i guess that the 50/50 isn't really about time, but more about choice and gathering size. the extroverted part of me is extroverted in specific situations involving specific people in small groups. which doesn't exactly roll off the tongue as well as 50/50 intro/extrovert. so there you have it, 44 and still discovering some new bits about myself with the help of cartoons! once again, thanks zhoen!

*proven by one of those personality tests administered professionally several years back. i was so taken aback that i retook the test and got the exact same result.

29 May, 2016

simmer the hell down

we spent the whole day yesterday finishing taking apart the bbq into its component bits, taking it to the car wash, scrubbing the gunk off it, and putting it back together again. the day included a stupidly lengthy visit to whataburger where the whole restaurant was in a training session, with the end result of some very angry customers, then a jaunt to home depot for assorted screws, nuts, bolts, bobbles, nubbinses, and widgets. despite intermittent communication with the boys, mr. monkey really seemed more interested in his project than in heading south to houston to hang out. we also waited for our pool guy but he was unable to make it because so many of the roads were closed due to flooding. rescheduled for today.

we finally did make it to houston somewhere around 9pm, having had to make a wiiiiide circle around the flooded roads, and ended up having a really good time. this time it was mr. monkey who decided it was time to go home, and i meekly followed. his reason? he wanted to hit the junkyard early today (50% off all weekend!) and grab some essential volvobeaste bit. we invited the boys over this afternoon and they may or may not come: their plans, as they say, are organic and evolve naturally, and i'm fine with that. it was funny last night to see them stand around glassy-eyed and yawning, proudly telling tales of friday night (or is it saturday morning?) excesses where they closed the after hours club down at 6am. i suspect they didn't go out last night after we left, and if they did, they did it purely for the principle of the thing rather than a deep desire to whoop it up again. all i'm saying is: 40 don't lie, no matter how much you try to tell yourself different.

i'm currently at tb's doing laundry. our house (which i will henceforth call The Canoe*) didn't come with a washer and dryer, and we've run out of time to buy them. tb kindly offered his facilities - it was either that or a laundromat (i suspect they might not have those in the woodlands because only the poors need them and we don't want to encourage those people) or the pool, and i feel like the pool guy might object.

the weekend, despite my darkest fears, has so far turned out to be just fine and dandy, flooding of the surrounding areas notwithstanding.

*not just randomly - the address is canoe birch place, which i insist on misspelling as canoe bitch place. either works, really, though i'm not sure what a canoe bitch might be. ideas welcome.

28 May, 2016

(un) sociable

mr. monkey came home from his week in chicago and instead of going out to a bbq in the neighbourhood (where our 5 guests-to-be were partying) we ended up drinking bourbony drinks and (he) taking apart the bbq and cleaning it and (me) watching bad television*. the volvobeaste threw a hissy fit and refused to start in the torrential downpour which provided a bit of an excuse for not going out. our understanding was that the group would come over after and sleep here, and so i set up mattresses and sofa beds etc. and left the lights on. alas, they did not show up and this morning i saw a 2am text telling me they were continuing to party and were thus taking uber to houston instead of coming here.

i'm conflicted about this. i know i am not considered a "fun" person because my natural rhythms dictate that i go to bed early and get up early and that's seen as "old" and "boring" and a whole host of adjectives i'd resent if i chose to care. i know it's got nothing to do with age because this has been me since...always. alas, this group likes to party hard and takes a certain grim pride in going to bed at all hours of the morning. this, i think, is part of my worry about the visit: having to explain to a hardy-partier that you really truly would rather go to bed than stay up and have "fun" is really difficult to do. they tend to refuse to believe you and insist that if you just stay up and go out and go dancing (or whatever) with them, you will start to have fun. having gone to several concerts in bars in chicago and having waited to see the headliner start at 1am (!!!) i can honestly say that the only thing that happens is a growing sense of resentment and exhaustion. i am not judging their choices, far be it, but i just don't want to be part of it.

still, i feel bad about this, because mr. monkey wants to see his people and i am starting to feel like an asshole because i sort of sabotaged last night's festivities and then they failed to show up. so now i think i will suck it up and get in on the "fun," whatever it might be, or else let mr. monkey go off with them. i really do wish (sometimes) that i was more of a party person, but the siren song of my own bed is irresistible. however, mr. monkey is sad this morning and i can't have that, now can i? his social life is 98% dependent on mine, so i really should support this 2%, or just get out of the way. so wish me luck, eh?

*i'm watching this show, and its main character is utterly charmless** and fulfills all the holywood stereotypes of "strong womanhood" (i.e. bitchy and angry all the time, pouty, refuses to listen etc.), and the writing is increasingly erratic and illogical, and it's making less and less sense, but a. i love most of the supporting cast, and b. it's nearly over and now i just need to see it through to the end. there's a sense of desperation in my watching - i want to kill it dead. there's no joy or anticipation other than the anticipation of it finally being over. what a strange beast man (or in this case woman) is, but alas, this is how it is.

**reminds me of what my english teachers used to tell me about good writing: "show, don't tell" and in the case of this series, the writers are doing it wrong every step of the way. we are told again and again about the heroine's charm, beauty, kindness, attractiveness, magnetic personality, and we really do need to be reminded because all we are shown is her whinyness, her anger, her inability to stop and think before rushing into idiotic situations, and her utter lack of charisma.

27 May, 2016

an (unofficial) guide to living in the woodlands

1. drive a really nice and large shiny new car. the bigger and newer and nicer and shinier the better. the only people who drive old cars are the poors or mexicans. ew.

2. don't signal when driving: it's nobody's business where you're going. anyone who signals or expects others to signal is against freedom and likely a crypto-communist.

3. don't ever open your car windows; god gave us air conditioning for a reason. the only people who drive with their windows open are the poors or immigrants or, worse, poor immigrants. ew.

4. walking on the pathways as a sportsing-type activity is encouraged, with yoga leggings mandatory regardless of the heat or humidity. wearing normal clothes and walking to an actual destination like a shop or a restaurant is weird and highly discouraged. the only people who actually walk somewhere are the poors or immigrants or weirdos.

24 May, 2016


  1. as we slowly drove along the residential streets of our neighbourhood, a gaggle of children watched our majestic passage. one boy, about 10 years of age, ogled the mighty volvo and yelled out, they're driving a hearse! look! it's a hearse! i had to comfort a shaken mr. monkey with the fact that driving a hearse is a very cool thing indeed. clearly, cars of such an advanced age and so lacking in aerodynamicity are a rare breed in our new home town. 
  2. we took a first dip in our pool, even though its chemicals are likely out of whack seeing as we know nothing about no pool maintenance and haven't had the time to get someone out. we have not broken out in boils or syphilis... so far. also: it was great fun and will allow us to survive the summer. mr. monkey has really taken a shine to skimming the pool and finds it a meditative and relaxing chore. i just have to get him to do it in shorts instead of underwear, at least until we plant something to shield us from the neighbours out back.
  3. i met our next door neighbours, who are from south africa. their next door neighbours on the other side are from romania. i guess this means we can cook as smelly as we like and nobody is likely to object! woohoo! international ghetto!
  4. lizards: we haves them. larry is not alone and i suspect there is colour changing going on and tail regrowing. it seems sort of unfair that lizards get to do all the cool things like regrowing bits of themselves and changing the colour of their skin. i bet i would look fabulous in a nice bright teal or chartreuse!
  5. the unpacking is slowly progressing. slowly because the big stupid house is big and stupid and what it has in space, it makes up for with utter lack of storage. note to self: when buying house in future, don't be a dummy, check for storage. then again, my next house is more than likely going to be small and simple and here and i find the thought delightful. 

22 May, 2016

(living on) the edge

i'm fine. i don't miss our old home except in the most practical of ways, a.k.a. don't make me mention the lack of deep pull out drawers here again!!!!! i'm busy: painting walls, unpacking, finding places to put things, finding the things i put in places i don't remember, and i'm fine. i am busy and i am doing things and i'm checking things off my to do list and i'm dealing with issues as they come up, and i'm fine. and then, suddenly, every once in a while i'm not. i sit at the top of the stairs and i suddenly realise i now own a large suburban home with a garden and a pool and a large number of bathrooms and bedrooms and it requires maintenance and cleaning and new knowledges and skills and i feel like i am suddenly tottering on the edge of an abyss. i curl my toes and dig in and breathe deeply and talk myself out of the rising tide of panic and then i'm fine again. after all, many people live this life or aspire to this life or dream about this life, and here i am, actually living it, and daring to even consider having a panic attack about the sheer awesomeness of my existence. and then i'm fine again.

we went out on friday night and had very delicious margaritas with a deceptive amount of tequila hidden within them and so yesterday i was badly hungover and not particularly happy and then we had a social engagement engineered by mr. monkey (a very rare occurrence in itself - very very rare!) and i so didn't want to drive an hour into houston to hang out with a bunch of people and be nice and polite and interesting and interested, but i did, and it was fine, but then driving back (i was the designated driver), driving along the highways and byways, driving along the rampant development, driving under the huge ads for medical centres and cancer treatments and mega churches, driving along the overpasses and underpasses and flyovers, there it was again, the edge of an abyss, and i had to concentrate on driving and changing lanes and making sure i kept us safe on an interstate that was still inexplicably busy near midnight, and i breathed and focused and made it home, but some of the darkness remains.

next weekend is a long weekend here and we will be hosting a big bunch of uninvited guests* and i am nearly sick with anxiety about it. i'm nowhere near ready to receive, not to mention that a big part of moving here was the implication of reduced social obligations, but we will suddenly be inundated with 5 people who want to spend the weekend together and who want to spend the weekend with us, all because one friend whose wife is out of the country seems unable to travel without a pack. i know you will advise me to call the whole thing off. i know you will say i don't have to do it. but the alternative (for them all to stay in the tiny apartment of the people we visited last night) is not feasible, and these are friends of mr. monkey's and they all have plane tickets purchased already and i don't want to be a dick about it. plus it'll all be over by tuesday and i will survive. but my reaction to this is colouring everything leading up to the weekend in the darkest of colours and it's taking all my mental wherewithal to keep even keeled. mr. monkey is going away until friday and i usually relish small bits of time alone but this time the long weekend looms. not to mention that since moving here, mr. monkey has lost his every second friday off privileges (oh, america!), and a long weekend is the perfect opportunity to go exploring. instead, i'll be picking up empty beer cans and making sure nobody gets my couch dirty. yeah, yeah, i really should relax, but you know what? it ain't happening.

once again, i realise i haven't been meditating and i'm paying the price. meditation does wonders for keeping the abyss at bay, and perhaps these glimpses of it are a good reminder that while eternal vigilance isn't exactly a good way to exist, being aware of the nearness of darkness might motivate me to more regular self-care.

on a happier note, we just saw our house lizard larry climb up our living room window. we're big fans of larry though he seems rather not as taken with us.

*having stayed with tb for well over a month completely uninvited, i do feel a little bad bitching on this topic.

20 May, 2016

bad porn done badly

this thing just happened to me (or totally failed to happen to me, whatever your take is) and i couldn't not share it with you. i immediately texted crusty juggler to tell her all about it:

moi: so i just had a total porn plot happen to me!!!

i've been unpacking all day, in the house, by myself all alone, so all i had on was a thin little dress - no underwear, no bra. suddenly, the doorbell rings and it's the internet dude. i tell him we don't have internet and he says it should be hooked up, that he's only there for some minor thing, but he comes in and helps me. we go room to room, looking for a plug that's live (the coaxial plug thingy) and FINALLY find it...in the master bedroom! so we then hang out in the bedroom for 15 minutes getting things set up. so yeah, boring ending, but it had the flavour of a really cheesy porn movie!!!

"oh noes! i has no internets! OR a bra or panties! help me!"

truth of the matter, though, is that as soon as he went out to his truck, i ran upstairs to put something on and all i could find was a pair of mr. monkey's old underwear from the laundry hamper.
i can't even do porn right!!!

crusty juggler: no, it's a specific type of porn...just keeps getting dirtier! "all i had to wear were my absent husband's filthy knickers."

moi: rawr!

cj: oh yeahhhhh! installl that internetting!

we then went on in similar vein, but you get the gist and the gist is this: i could have had an internet installation technician google my brains out right on my very bedroom floor, but alas, i failed to live up to the promise of pornography. i am very, very disappointed in myself.

16 May, 2016


spent my last week in edmonton with girl littles, spending as much time with family and good friends as i could squeeze in. arrived in texas on sunday, unpacked what i could in the new house on monday, and started painting the guano-coloured living room walls on tuesday. found out our stuff gets here tomorrow which provided extra incentive to get going and get done, which i did. the thing with painting some of the walls is that the unpainted walls suddenly start to look so much worse. the painfully beige hallway, alas, is two storeys tall and will require a professional intervention. i'm good at painting but alas, balancing on scaffolding is another matter and one not unlikely to end in death and/or dismemberment.

we spent the weekend in austin with tb and his visiting daughter, and had a wonderful time. austin is the antithesis of the woodlands: the latter is all controlled, beige, architecturally uniform, calm, and corporate; the former is a glorious kerfuffle of varied styles, sizes, colours, and uses. the lay of the land is also ridiculously good looking - i ran out of sounds of awe after an hour of rolling fields of wild flowers dotted with huge southern oaks, prickly pear cactus popping up on occasion, everything dressed in brilliant hues of green and red and yellow and pink and purple and white. it was that rare weekend that was busy but not overwhelming, and even though we did and saw a lot and came back exhausted, it only whetted my appetite for more.

today i go to clean the house, get groceries, and make an attempt at beef bourguignon, though i know already i will simplify and streamline. complicated recipes stand no chance with me and quickly become mere guidelines, suggestions. depending on the unpacking tomorrow, we may well sleep in our new home tomorrow night, so i wanted to make a nice dinner tonight to thank tb for putting up with his uninvited accidental roommates.